Get all 9 David Goody releases available on Bandcamp and save 50%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Is Life Too Short Or Am I Too Tall, A Very Nihilist Christmas EP, A Rather Silly History Of Coventry, A Good Christmas To Die Hard, It's Meant to Sound Like This, Jingled Out, Banjaxed, Can't Be Explained On A Ukulele, and 1 more.
1. |
I Don't Need A New Phone
02:21
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I don’t need a new phone
Quit it Samsung leave me alone
I don’t need a new phone
With Alexabossing me about in my home
My mobile is 10 years old / It works fine, it’s good as gold
I can check Twitter on a browser app
While I’m sat on the toilet having a crap
But Google have got very annoyed
Because I won’t install the new Android
They say if I don’t assimilate
They’ll turn my phone into a paperweight
I’m not blind to their tactics // Creating problems I can’t fix
Apps that used to be flawless // Now only run on the new OS
They say it’s now de-riguer // To have your screen a bit bigger
But I don’t want an iPhone Max // That’s grown to the size of a filofax
——————Chorus——————
So the worlds moved on, that’s alright
I’m OK being a Luddite
I know my phone hasn’t been hip
Since we had the Motorola flip
You say there’s nothing hokier
Than playing snake on a Nokia
But one small thing, it must be said
My battery life leaves yours for dead
——————Chorus——————
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2. |
Stuck In IKEA With You
02:00
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I don’t know why I came here tonight
I needed a new bathroom light
I didn’t like what they had in B&Q
And things in Homebase just wouldn’t do
Meatballs to the left of me / Shelves to the right
Here I am - stick in IKEA With You
Well we started out in showrooms
And we still haven’t found a bathroom
The whole place is a maze
We’ve been stuck here for days
Saying please... (let us go) / Please.... (let us go)
The instructions make no sense at all
I can’t find a thing in the self service hall
I’m buying herring in the marketplace
And I’m bored of walking round this space
Shelves to the left of me / Meatballs to the right
Here I am - stick in IKEA With You
Well I started out a young man
now I’m claiming my own pension plan
And it’s driving me nuts
that they’ve closed the shortcuts
Saying please... (let us go) / Please.... (let us go)
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3. |
Existential Football
02:53
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It’s existential football, thanks to VAR
Don’t trust your eyes. Don’t trust your ears or even where you are
It’s existential football, you’re only allowed to see
The truth that is mandated, by the footage on TV
We now have committees / Who invisibly decide
Whether that number 9 / was actually offside
It’ll stop unfair decisions, / they claim of this wheeze
But every time I hear Roy Keane / it seems he disagrees
The balls is in the net, / but have we really scored
I don’t know when to cheer, / or if it’s a goal anymore
There’s a nagging sense of doubt, / which I just can’t ignore
That VAR is now Judge Dredd, / shouting I am the law!
[Chorus]
This technological marvel, / leaves me feeling flat
I’d rather have Feline football, / played by Schrodingers Cat
Does our false nine still exist / Or are they a hallucination
I can’t believe in anything / Without an adjudication
And again to my dismay… / We’re interrupting play…
With yet another delay…/ For a slow motion replay…
Give me tika taka or route one /I don’t care just play on
As the only football philosophy / Should be pull the trigger ASAP
[Chorus]
It’s existential football, thanks to VAR
It’s existential football, no matter who you are
It’s existential football, thanks to VAR
It’s existential football, for Pep Guardiola!
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4. |
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If it seems a little sleep is needed
To make it through the day
Your calls for a siesta unheeded
As the bosses just won’t pay
Just looking for a pick me up
To get me under way
As now I’m on my fifteenth cup
Of milky Nescafé
[And sleep deprivation turned // Into my personality
And my cosy bed is spurned // While I say…]
Keep needing caffeination
Red Bull, Monster, Espresso from Costa
Keep needing caffeination
Drinking pints of tea, Endlessly
To feel alert it would be wise
To do some exercise
I might even contemplate
Not staying up so late
To get to bed early I really need ter
Stop scrolling through social media
It’s not that my body is ill
Just too much Netflix & chill. ...Means I
[Chorus]
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5. |
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Cronuts, cruffins, creverything
I’d cross a croissant with anything
Every food is twice as tasty
Once it’s wrapped in all butter pastry
A fresh croissant from a boulongerie
Surely the finest vienosserie
But after a while they start to pall
If you’ve had one you’ve had them all
Enter our hero Dominique Absell
Who happened to feel like this as well
I’m his lab he made like Frankenstein
Then dammit baby it’s cronut time
New York hipsters thought it grand
Took a million photos for Instagram
From an idle piece of hybridisation
Came the pastry to rock the nation
[Chorus]
From Krispy Kreme to Dunkin Donuts
Everyone’s running scared of Cronuts
If your recipe lacks laminated dough
Frankly I don’t want to know
And for the final stage of the masterplan
The biggest step since we began
It’s imperative that we cajole
Greggs into making a croissage roll
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6. |
Imperial Droid
02:44
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Luke & Leila, Han & Chewie / They all think my circuits are screwy
They don’t know why I’m of the opinion
That it’s great to be Darth Vader’s minion
A steady paid job cleaning the Death Star’s floors
That’s the kind of droid role I’m looking for
Doing valet parking for Grand Moff Tarkin
Pays better than a tip jar With Admiral Akbar
When your living in an imperial world
and I am an imperial droid
The rebel leaders are terrible bosses
No wonder they suffer so many star fleet losses
You can pull overtime and always work late
But they still just give the credit to BB8
It’s all favouritism you understand
You’ll always get bumped for a rookie farmhand
You’ll be begging for them to let you go
Rather than join another meeting chaired by 3PO
Requests to join the rebels? I resist them
as I remember how I rusted in the Degobar system
Hoth was freezing, I was never a fan
But at least I wasn’t based on Alderaan
Captain Antilles has a calm demeanour
But he’s ruder than the staff at the mos eisley cantina
So don’t hate me for living in imperial splendour
Rather than a tree house on the moon of Endor
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7. |
Procrastination
02:16
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Sorting easy tasks / Should be ready, steady, go
But I never seem to get there / Like Zeno & his arrow
There’s always something else / I’m convinced I should do first
Like Googling the age / Of Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst
I’m compelled to take the scenic route
My focus is just shot
I could simply get things done
But it seems I’d rather not
Procrastination // Any excuse for a delay
Procrastination // I’m getting sidetracked today
I’ve made a little list of things / I really should get done
But deep down I know I won’t / achieve a single one
I wouldn’t call it apathy / That’s a different frus-trati-on
It’s just I like to do things / A little later on
I’m easily distracted / By life’s minuate
So learning endless trivia’s / All I’ll achieve before I die
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8. |
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I was feeling, quiet contrary
Watching a Bowie documentary
It’s all Berlin & the thin white duke
But an early omission made me want to rebuke
It’s a mistake, and a biggie
To dive straight in with Ziggy
For the start of the shape shifters story
Happens Five Years, before Hunky Dory
No no no, you see, see, see
Without the Laughing Gnome there’s no Bowie
Aladdin Sane, Reality
Not one of them compares lyrically…
…To the laughing gnome
Now I know that, you’re begrudging
That song he made with Gus Dudgeon
But the gnome voice hints playfully
At what was to come, with oblique strategies
The stagecraft & the strangeness
Foreshadow all of the Dame’s future changes
Even though I’ll admit that it’s true he
Was stealing a lot, from Anthony Newley
But…
[Chorus]
So to be clear, I shall not cease
Til it’s acknowledged as his masterpiece
Closely followed by Tin Machine
And the advert he made, for Lyon’s ice cream
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9. |
Queue
02:50
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Queue, queue, it’s simply what we do
Queue, queue, cos we’re British through & through
We won’t have a melee, a ruck or a scrum
Because were a civilised bunch, not nasty unwashed scum
Some say when Cain slew Abel
He was the embodiment of sin
But I think that honour goes
To the bloke who just cut in
Some support a meritocracy
But I just think it’s cursed
I far prefer a system
Based on who got there first
As a nation how did we
develop these queuing powers?
Acquired genetically
or learnt at Alton Towers?
However long it takes
We embrace the ennui
Because standing in a line
Is your patriotic duty
I’m 50th in the queue - but my calls important to you
I’m 49th in the queue - but my calls important to you
I’m 48th in the queue - but my calls important to you
Now I’m 99th in the queue - what the heck is wrong with you!
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10. |
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The self preservation society // Owes everything to Remy
The man who made a sewer a star // Driving a Mini Cooper not a Jaguar
~
They drove three minis into a bus.
Leapt the Fiat factory with no fuss
Nailing stunts on take one
So they could get a bloomin move on
Hold on lads I’ve got a great idea
Let’s race the cars across a weir
But how to shoot where they leave Turin
Driving through the sewer system
[Inst Break]
Producer Deeley said “oh cripes”
Where do you find fresh sewage pipes?
Then they found what they were looking for
In a building site in Stoke Aldemoor
They craned in Remy with his Mini troupe
Did all the stunts, tried a loop the loop
The resulting footage looked superb
And even better, there was no fat berg
[Chorus]
The Italian Job had made his name
Then Remy was Bond time & again
He raced a rickshaw at 70
And made a lorry do a wheelie
Chased through Paris in half a taxi
Out-ran motorbikes on skis
Bond looks good in an Aston Martin
But Remi did the job in a battered Citreon
[Chorus]
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11. |
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You might engage in Zen / Or other philosophies
You might have an mantra / About positive energies
To see the best in everyone / May be your school of thought
But sometimes all that optimism / Simply counts for nought
And that is why, I’m known to say…
Not my circus, not my monkeys
Your problems keep on plaguing me like a horde of zombies
Not my circus, not my monkeys
If you can’t control your chimpanzees then I’ve no sympathies
That email sat for weeks / Markedly unsent
But when it finally came / It suddenly said ur-gent
A lack of planning on your part / does not mean that I care
As fighting all your failures / just fills me with despair
I’ve more hard cheese than the whole of Parma
For a drama llama taunting karma
Your vast ego just needs to know
That you reap just what you sow
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12. |
Withnail And Who
02:16
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When we last saw Withnail he was feeling blue
But an instant later he met Dr Who
It’s an unused tale from the Paul McGann era
Where the doctor gets drunk on a bottle of Madeira
So Withnail became a companion by mistake
Jelly beans replaced by fine wine & cake
Confronting danger, the Doctor never fails at
But he couldn’t face the kitchen in Withnail’s flat
Russell T Davies I’ve a pitch for you
To make Dr Who bigger than the Marvel CU
No Star Wars spin off could compare to
McGann & Grant in Withnail & Who
The Cybermen were stopped because they couldn’t han-dell
A certain type of carrot made in camberwell
Harriet Jones? The Daleks couldn’t harm her
As Withnail confused them shouting “are you the farmer”
The Master’s no longer the worst to confront
That’s now Uncle Monty, the terrible ****
An army of sontarons seemed hard to outwit
But just attack them like a rat, shouting “fork it”
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13. |
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The silver screen is a dream
For every actor of esteem
Any notable thespian should
Wish to be in demand in Hollywood
So imagine the mortal blow
Inflicted on that nice Mark Ruffalo
When he discovered that the hallowed A list
Was something he had missed
And the trade ads in Variety
Said the next blockbuster you’ll see
Would have...
Jason Statham punching a shark
Melissa McCarthy bringing the snark
Michael Caine explainig the plot
And Dwayne “The Rock” just looking hot
Meryl Streep brings gravitas
Jennifer Lopez shakes that ass
Adam Sandler will be full of rage
And Nicholas Cage will be, well Nick Cage
Tom Cruise does all his own stunts
Clint Eastwood will talk in grunts
Julia Roberts smiles a lot
While Samuel L Jackson swears a lot
Judi Dench will be sophisticated
Johnny Depp won’t be understated
Cam-er-on Diaz will bring pizazz
While Harrison Ford just looks bored
Silly old Mark, doesn’t he know
There’s no part for a Ruffalo
Hulk sad,
Hulk want A-list rom-com with Gwyneth Paltrow
Hulk not get
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14. |
Grown Up Douchebag
02:35
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My game is to tell // you everything on my mind
I might start to yell // if I feel that way inclined
I’m the endless pub bore / That you can’t ignore
And you’re going to know what I think
As I kick up an awful stink
'Cause I'm just a grown-up douchebag, baby
I’m liking the sound of my voice lately
Yeah, I'm just a grown-up douchebag, baby
It’s true, it’s just what I do
My girlfriend is sick // of hearing me rant everyday
And one day she’ll kick // My ass like she’s Cassius Clay
Then all round the block // I’m a laughing stock
As everyone knows I exist
And they won’t stop taking the piss out of me
'Cause I'm just a grown-up douchebag, baby
Trolling on Facebook ten times daily
Yeah, I'm just a grown-up douchebag, baby
It’s true, it’s called my worldview
Oh yes! douchebag // No, I just don’t know what I’m saying
Oh yes! douchebag // Make him stop is what your praying
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David Goody Coventry, UK
Combining bizarre ideas, ridiculous rhymes & strange musical instruments gives you:
David Goody - absurd comic song
creator.
In a world of bland ballads and prosaic lyrics there is a need for more music about hypnotised chickens, quantum physics, biscuit psychology, fascist fruit and the Coventry inner city ring road.
... more
